Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
