I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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