I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
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there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
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Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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