I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
