I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
