My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
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The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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