A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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