Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Every concussion has its silver lining
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
