I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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