And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
