he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
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That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
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I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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