a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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