oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
