Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
