i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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