I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that