And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me