Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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