I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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