i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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