so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
