You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
