No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
wow bdsm is so cute
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