I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
my liver is dry heaving
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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