I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
