he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We left the knife in your bed.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
