im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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