1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My vagina just recognized that song.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
