she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
