Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
