I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
