drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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