I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
