I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
