Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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