working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
