sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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