between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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