fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
