Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
