dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
