You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
