just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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