We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
