found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
