I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
worst night to have a conscience
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
