Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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