There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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