i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
is wine microwaveable?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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