I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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