I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
