I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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