You're so nebulous sometimes
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
