you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
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But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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