his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
