i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Randomize
