Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Is Oprah even human
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
