if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
