I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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