I think I won the penis lottery.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
