i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
